If I don't pull it together this week, I won't break my plateau weight.  Which would be heartbreaking. 
I was at Borders the other day, and they had a food journal I felt compelled to purchase.   It had everything one could ever want, but they wanted $17, which is quite ridiculous.  I have the money for it, but my other bills have claimed my entire wallet and then some.  I don't know how I'm going to earn all this money in such a short time. Legally.

E is being... ridiculous.  I'm getting so frustrated, but I haven't the heart to say it to her.  I don't want to hurt her.  And a few others are treating me.. carelessly?  I don't even know. 

I'm heading to the high school tomorrow to ask about my transcripts.  Then, I'm meeting with some college people tomorrow? Or something.  Idk, once I'm in college, I think I'll feel a lot  better.  I can meet new people.  But if I don't get my own dorm.... I don't even want to think about it.  I can say right now, that I truly pity the person who has to live with me.  Seriously.  I have the worst insomnia ever and when I sleep, it's usually at daybreak.  Then there's the whole "straightedge" thing, which definitely makes me an unwelcome minority.  They're going to have to deal with me practicing at all hours.  Honestly, I don't feel like hiding my cutting and purging for another 4 years.  I want to be able to go somewhere and wear short sleeves and just relax and have my space and my quiet to focus.  I want to listen to jazz.  Not metal, and not Lil Wayne.  And I don't want fatty food in my dorm or in my fridge.  Maybe I can make them miserable enough to move out.  That sounds terrible, but... lets just hope I get my own dorm.

Denial feels so good.
We don't have a problem at all.
Oh, denial feels so good.
I'll even help you put up your wall.
And I'll applaud you as you fall.

Whoa, off and on, off and on.
We need to break this spell that we cast upon ourselves.
Whoa, off and on, off and on.
I need to quit.
I don't think I have the strength to live without it.

Just one final time.

Whoa, off and on, off and on.
We need to break this spell that we cast upon ourselves.
Whoa, off and on, off and on.
I need to quit.
I don't think I have the strength to live without it.
Off and on, off and on.

Last night was kind of disheartening.

A and I were running errands last night.  A, to clarify, is someone who, like me, is suffering with severe depression.  We were closer than sisters in high school, but after graduating (09), she began to get... upset with me?  She couldn't handle my problems, which I completely understand.  However, I never told her when I was feeling down or came to her for help, it was actually her a lot of the time.  She sent me a facebook message, explaining how she was getting better, and hasn't wanted to kill herself for a long long time, and how she had decided being suicidal was immature. ..... I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt and I wasn't livid.  "Immature" is not exactly how I would describe wanting to kill yourself.   So we didn't talk for 6 months.  She went to college out of state, and I stayed behind.  Over break, we ended up at a reunion thing together.  And kinda talked.  But finally, she messaged me again, and said we needed to talk.  We got together over this last break and talked things out.  And things are cool.  It feels natural when I'm with her.  It's nice not to hide anything sometimes. But anways. She had to bring it up.

In the middle of the store, she goes, "Can I ask you something? And I want you to answer truthfully.  Please? Promise?"
"Sure, anything.  What?"
"Are you eating?"
*Pause* Obviously, I'm eating.  It's been 6 months.  Through all the ups and downs, I'm the same weight I was in high school (finally).  But she knew about my eating issues before, so I guess it kinda makes sense. So what do I answer?
"of course I'm eating. I'm like completely better."
"I was hoping you'd say that, I just thought you looked a lot... healthier."
... Healthier.  Healthier?!  A synonym for "healthier" in that context is "fatter".  Another one is "huge". Disgusting.

And honestly? I didn't even mean to lie to her.  It slipped out so naturally.  I find it ironic I was just talking about how nice it is to have someone you don't have to hide anything from.  I guess now she's off that list.  

I had maybe, 140 liquid cals all day. Because of nosy friends and lets call it... knowledgeable  peers (A in this case), I found myself trapped inside Chipotle.  So I ordered chips.  Expecting it to be maybe, 300 cals.  But I looked it up and it says they have twice that much!  I guess it just made me mad because I wasn't even hungry.  And the portion was small.

Whatever. I'm resolving to stay motivated.  Tomorrow will be better.  I have a salad waiting in the fridge in case I get hungry later today, but for now, sleep.

A New Year: Another Clean Slate to Dirty


If my New Years was any indication to how my life is going to be in 2010, then I may as well just end it now.

LJ.  Hm.  I finally got to this site, and you know what the first thing I did?  Accidentally deleted all of your messages.  Fantastic.  I realize I haven't  posted in over 3 months (no, I'm not dead, but thanks for asking. No, really.<3).  Long story short, my powercable for my laptop was broken beyond repair, laptop couldn't charge, no money, etc., etc...   I missed this.  I missed being able to just spill every stupid thing I've felt onto this bittersweet site.

So how did my New Years start?  Lets start with New Years Eve.   I had a wonderful dinner with D and then I screwed everything up.  Because, after dinner, I decided we were not going to the movies, we were going back to my house, since no one else was there.  I'll give you one guess as to what happened. 
We were being "crazy kids", when my mother had a change of plans, and came home early. 
"Hi, mom, you remember D.  Except last time you saw him he wasn't naked and lying on my bed."  :D
 I managed to hide the cuts on my legs, at least.  Was that this "silver lining" everyone is so crazy about?
Somehow, I don't think so.
So after getting dressed, D called his parents and left (they ended up giving him "a talk").  And I was left with her.  After some ... sharp words and extreme criticism and a slight scuffle to say the least, and being grounded  off everything I ever enjoyed ( I dared not  pick up a book), she couldn't look at or talk to me.
There's nothing like breaking your mother's heart and epically pissing her off while dragging down your boyfriend with you to bring about a New Year. 

I  don't really remember much of the rest of the night. I remember shaking. A lot. I think I may have gone into a minor state of shock, to be honest, which is kind of sad.  I do remember cutting.  I didn't even bother thinking it through this time.  All  up my left arm.  I tried to fit more cuts in, but I forgot how much more your arms bleed, and there was too much blood so the razor was slipping.  I found my ace bandage in the back of my drawer, but not before getting blood all over my floor.  Lovely, I know.
C.D cases are amazing hiding places for razors (thank you, Sonny Rollins).

I then leave my room, to head into the kitchen. I just grabbed and downed around 3,000-4,000 mg of Advil, then took 4 times the "recommended dosage" of Nyquil.  Watch out, she's on the loose (insert extreme eye roll, here).  I knew it wouldn't do anything. But it certainly made me feel better.
Then, on my rampage of self mutilation I had a smoke, and then proceeded to burn over the cuts on my legs with the last half.  Cigarettes aren't that bad, I've only had a few, but I definitely don't plan on making it a habitual occurrence. 

Then, I wanted to eat.  I realized that night that I really observe eating as a form of self infliction.  And to me, it is.  But I didn't.  I was shaking too much and eating was just too exhausting.


I really didn't want to start off my first entry here in 3 months with how terrible I've been doing, because, looking over recent events, I've been okay.  I really have.  In those 3 months, I purged maybe... twice?  I slipped up a few times on the SI thing, but it only happened twice, and it's confined to a quarter of the space I used to use.  Also, I'm using a broken, tiny blade, since the box cutter's blade rusted (there's that "silver lining" thing again!).

But in all seriousness, those 3 months were a lot better.  In those 3 months, I took 5 steps in the right direction, and one step back.
This last week, I've turned around and sprinted the other way.

In retrospect, I realize that I am in no way, shape,or form healthy.  Those 3 months were me just being less destructive.  In fact, reading about New Years has just made me realize how much worse this has gottten.  I don't feel any more miserable then  usual.  But I guess my actions speak for themselves.

Weight. Hrm. Idrk where I am at.  I was on this epic fast that was ruined by my grandmother taking us out for New Years' dinner on the 30th, dinner with D the 31. and then yesterday, with New Years' dinner with my grandmother. And honestly, I can't handle much right now, I don't think.  I'm exhausted in so many different ways.

Friends?  What are those things again?  Those people that leave you when you need them most? The ones who manipulate you in order to get what they want (not to be confused with "enemies")? Honestly, I have so many people who tell me everything and I can't seem to tell anyone besides D anything.  E is great and all, but ...  something inside me is screaming not to tell any more.  Telling her my past was a mistake.  She knows nothing of my ED or depression or SI or anything like that.  A just wandered back into my life, but she is welcome because she knows me, and that saves a lot of explaining, and everything is just easier if I let that happen.  I'm not going to tell her anything any more, though.  Maybe things will be different if/when she transfers to the college I plan on going to.

College.  Am I going this semester? Who knows?  I want to, I really do.  I just wish I knew one way or another so I can apply for a job, whether on campus or somewhere closer to home.

But like I said, I'm exhausted, I haven't slept in over 36 hours, so I think 8am makes a good bedtime.  I'll get to reading your posts later, when they can get the thought and attention they deserve.